Out On A Limb (1992) Matthew Broderick

This simply wasn't an actual "bad" movie.  In fact it was sort of fun, unlike movies in theaters today, which are designed to beat the living hell out of you while you sit in the theater being "entertained."  Please, don't "entertain" me.

This was a pleasant watch and I recommend it for anyone who's recently been released from a mental hospital and has been ordered by a doctor to avoid modern entertainment.  (I'm certain this is actually more common than you'd think).

Any clinical psychologists out there that can weigh in on this or provide links to academic studies are welcome.  We're also fielding responses from construction workers, appliance repairmen and uncoordinated acrobats.  You can always tell them by the their flattened features.

Burglar (1987) Whoopi Goldberg

She's a burglar. He's a poodle groomer. Who in their right mind wouldn't invest one hundred "thou" or so into an idea like that? This is what I call Premise Gold.

Unfortunately, the movie couldn't live up to the hysterical promise of it's premise.

Had we seen the alternative poster for this movie, we'd have had a better idea of what we were getting into.








Everything on the left says fun.  Everything on the right says, "Check me out, I'm tough, and cool.

 Tough guy Whoopi, cooler than shit with the flip up shades.  It's a role she hasn't played since.

One trend we see in our movie theater dumpster diving is overt imitation. This movie does everything it can to be Eddie Murphy's box office smash, Beverly Hills Cop (1984), except entertain with comedy, action, amusing characters, etc.

In a town called "Bad Movies," this is the other side of the tracks.  This is the part of town you wanna avoid.  Where movies hang out in the shadows, waiting for station wagons to mistakenly venture into before they jump out and bore you into a stupor.

Heres' a clip from the movie featuring the only laugh in the movie. It's an unintentional Leslie Nielsen type of getaway on a motorcycle. Hair raising.

Munchie (1992)

This is probably the best movie I've ever seen.

Time stands still when you watch something like this, which Spanky Eisenhower and I did. It's like doing some kinda drug that numbs every corner of your metaphysical mental space invader.

"Munchie just moved in... there goes the neighborhood." Somewhere out there in this great asphalt wilderness there's a hard core gangster that has that tattooed across his back to the shock of his hard core gangster friends. I'd pay $10 to watch him try to convince them to watch Munchie.

That's a good skit for a sketch comedy team.

"C'mon, I'll even bake some cookies, and it'll be fun. We can have a sleep over! Look at my PJ's!" Killer Jim says to the set of gangster criminals.

"You trippin'" one says to Jim pulling a gun out and pressing it to his temple. Like David Banner transforms into the Hulk so does Jim into some kinda gangster monster, turning quickly to take a bite out of the steel gun like it was spongecake.

With the devil in all three of his eyes (one popped out of his cheek when he got mad) he tells the gangster set, "We're gonna watch Munchie. It's about a gremlin who likes pizza and helps the boy have a party."

"No doubt. Munchie. Cookies, cake... sounds like fun Jim."

Watch this trailer and tell me it isn't the best minute of your life.

Gung Ho (1986)

Michael Keaton is so macho and goofy.

You'd think that with the title "Gung Ho" I'd have had a clue that this piece of turkey pot pie was a MACHO FEST, which I'm allergic to.

Honestly, I couldn't take more than ten minutes of this thing but if I had to take a guess, "Gung Ho" is Michael Keaton whose Gung Ho attitude is what it takes to save the jobs of American auto workers.

In 1986 this type of fairy tale from Ron Howard may have kept the party going, but today, there's nothing funny about ownership's gutting of American labor for overseas slave labor.

Imagine going into a studio today and pitching the same idea about how an American manager fights to keep a manufacturing company from going overseas.  It would be considered heresy.

The response from CORPOWOOD would tow the party line, "We can't put this out.  Outsourcing is good for the global economy."

I have a saying that sums up the entirety of modern economic thought. "Layoffs Create Jobs."

This is in effect the load we bought in the 90's when they were selling "Globalization" as future economic prosperity.  How's that worked out?  Awful for everyone but the five to ten percent of the world's population who've increased their wealth at the cost of... humanity.  Light conversation...

Now that I think about it.  This movie is great.  Even though it sucked.

Zapped (1982)

This is pure mental hospital fare.  It's lighter than helium, and in an era where movies are falling pianos, safes and boulders, Zapped is indispensable.

A classic in the bad movie section.

She-Devil (1989)

This also wasn't an actual "bad movie."  It's a little known dark comedy about a cheating husband, an obnoxious romance writer and a homely housewife.

This premise doesn't have the same Bang!Pow!Zoom! that Whoopi Goldberg's Burglar did with it's story about a burglar and a poodle groomer.

"This would have been so much funnier if it had had a poodle groomer."  That's my official review and I hope they put it on the box.

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You (1987)

What if Gloria Estefan is right, and "the Rhythm is Gonna Get You?"

How would it strike?

Is the rhythm patient, like a ferocious jungle cat, waiting for you to give a speech in front of the board before it possesses you with it's wild beat making you dance all over the place like you're Jennifer Beals in Flashdance?


 Gloria, if your out there, I have some questions.

1) Why is the rhythm gonna get me?
2) What's it gonna do with me once it DOES get me?
3) How do you stop THE RHYTHM?

Should I also be afraid of geometry?
"Geometry's gonna get you, tonight!"

I think bad movies got me. We watch 'em all the time, and love every lame second of it.

Runaway (1984) Tom Selleck

A year and a half later, I now see the role Runaway (1984) played in sending Jams and I into the black hole of "bad" 80s movies.

Runaway is elite cheese.

If I ran into Tom Selleck today, I'd be tempted to tell him it's one of my all time favorite movies. He'd think I was being sarcastic. But he'd be wrong. Wrong like a toaster on a homicidal killing spree that only "robot expert" Sgt. Ramsey of the LAPD can take down! Yeah!

There's so much to love about Runaway (1984). Dialogue that hits you over the head, like, "Is that why he's a robot expert." Here's a graduation assignment from the Bayside School of Hysterics. Put "Robot Expert" on your resume and ad lib your response to potential employers who want to know what exactly that means. Post the results in the comments section please.

Or better yet, call a major college or university and ask if they can train you to be a "robot expert." When they ask you what on Earth your talking about, explain what you saw in this movie; the problem LAPD has been having with appliances.

What makes Runaway so awesome lies in it's thinking that audiences will recognize the inherent danger of an overhead projector gone loco and brandishing a fire arm. Do they train officers in the academy to be prepared for this? They should. "Cadets, today we're gonna teach you how to defend yourself from a toaster that's armed and dangerous."

Go to Sears and and tell a salesperson that you're looking for a particular model of copying machine. When they ask for the model number, play the scene posted below where Sgt. Ramsey takes out the laser beam firing model with a folding chair and tell him, "that one."

Call your local congresswoman and ask her to deploy the marines to protect you from the local PC Richards.

Complete all these assignments and receive your Bayside School of Advanced Moronics diploma in the mail.

Selleck vs Dangerous Dehumidifier
(apologize for glitchy video. will fix)


Thrilling Chase Through Cornfield

"So That's Why He's a Robot Expert?"

Why We Watch Bad Movies: Nostalgia, Contempt, and Jerginsberfer

Why watch these horrible movies from the 80's?

There are two reasons. First is nostalgia. These movies are reflections of an earlier age, and are a vehicle back to a time when Hanj and myself were teenagers. They were good times for us and a fun emotional place to revisit.

Secondly, contempt.

In the first 30 years of my movie going life, I may have walked out on one or two movies total. In the last 10 years, I've walked out so often, that I now have to do serious research before buying a ticket to a stupid movie.

We walked out on Transformers in 2007. I thought it would be a fun action movie with cool new digital effects. When they began impaling people after a few minutes of this PG-13 movie, Jams and I stepped.

We walked out on the Hangover. This piece of dog s#!t may have made major loot cakes at the box office but I found it typical of modern comedy, obnoxious and cruel. Garbage.

I go to the movies to escape reality: war, hate and fear. I detest this moment in history and can't be "entertained" by anything that reflects it. 80's movies do not reflect current popular psychosis, fear and programming.

These movies exist in a world before 9-11. Before Columbine, Autism epidemics, decreased fertility rates, "global warming," the Patriot Act, Guantanimo Bay, GM Foods, endless invasion, Globalization, outsourcing, and historic economic fraud.

So in the face of Hollywood's pompous celebrating of itself and the complete garbage they spew on schedule, I reject it in favor of an earlier brand of trash. Modern garbage has 20 million dollar budgets, consciously makes no effort to do anything but repeat formula and is an absolute insult to human intelligence. These garbage movies from the 80's may have been crafted with little to no talent, but they weren't calculated business ventures so much as someone's attempt at telling a story, even a really, really mundane one about the trials and tribulations of winning the dance contest. As a result, they are simply better. They're watchable.

And finally, these movies have Kwaffle, Bongkoodie, or Jergensberfer. I needed a word to describe a characteristic all these movies share. Jergensberfer is the idea that Dolly Parton will teach Sylvester Stallone how to sing country western and he'll be a big hit in a rhinestone jacket. Jergensberfer is definitely an acquired taste that requires a well developed sense of humor, but once you have it, a world of delightful bad movies awaits.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun (the Movie) 1985

If you think Kevin Bacon's wild turkey dance sequence in Footloose is magical awesomeness, you'll love this.

Sarah Jessica Parker is a dance queen daughter of a right wing commando trapped in a Catholic school who wants to win "the big dance contest." Totally original.

Girls Just Wanna has so much to offer. If you've ever sought out ridiculous 80's dancing videos on YouTube, this is a goldmine of choreographed heat.

As well, it transports the viewer back in time to a moment when MTV was a new, mesmerizing phenomenon.

And finally, it doesn't take an effort to finish the damn thing, unlike most of the delightful trash we crawl through.

Screen Captures from Girls Just Want To Have Fun (The Movie) 1985













Mom, I'd like you to meet Chris, he's a dancer.





















Punk rockers crash the debutante ball.


















I do this all the time.

Double Fart Feature: Gorp (1980) & Waitress (1981)

GORP (1980) Cinema Endurance: 25 minutes.

Well, my initial reaction to this total piece of gorilla sludge was the realization that "I love talentless imitation."

I have no idea when this was made, and I don't care, but to me, it was obviously doing everything it possible could to be Animal House in every scene, and never achieving that end once. Maybe it was a Meatballs rip off, I don't know.

Playing hockey in the kitchen with a charred-solid steak is not wild, and entertaining. This movie is a heavyweight in the world of punishing stink burgers.

If you are an intellectual, with both a dynamic sense of humor, and one who seeks refuge in the cinema of your own youth (the 80's, 70's) then like us, you'll stream this bucket of flying trash for free just to take the ride, but going the full distance may be impossible. It was for us.

We lasted maybe 25 minutes, before we couldn't take any more. A true crime against art, and we love it for that, and despise it even more for the same reason. It's un-finishable. It's like some huge novelty portion at the worst truckstop in the state, where you can eat for free if you can finish it, but you can't, because its the worst food you've ever eaten.

Fran Dresher, Dennis Quaid and some other dude you'll recognize contribute to this plotless,* pathetic work of excellence. See how long you can last. We got to the scene where Quaid is dressed as George Washington riding a horse in the dormitory trying to be crazy. That's what this movie is, trying to be "wild and crazy guys." Awesome. Horrifying. Impossible.

*It turns out that there actually was no plot. There was no script! They just told the actors to "chase the girls and act goofy." Wait. Now I like it more. If Bounty Hunter with Jennifer Aniston and whoever that Young-Mel Gibson Clone was had only not had a script...

Two For One Special! Watch Out!


WAITRESS! (1981) (pt. 1)
Having lasted only 25 minutes or so into GORP, we naturally needed another piece of unbelievable garbage d'excellance for our viewing pleasure.

"In this hilarious, sexy comedy, three luscious waitresses add a modicum of spice to an otherwise so-so eating establishment. But things really heat up when the café's chef gets drunk and his customers decide to follow his example!"

Who can resist a storyline that intriguing? A little spice to a so-so restaurant? And then the chef gets drunk? Oh my! A thriller on lithium.

I pressed play and started laughing warning Honey Jams, "this may be the worst one we've ever seen." Amazingly, it appeared to be a complete continuation of GORP. I have no idea which movie has more dropped/gross food gags.

But then, WAITRESS! proved itself legitimate, top notch garbage. Not only does it give the viewer some footage of New York's East Village circa 1980 (which immediately raises the value of grade D cinema) but it's actually got a real sense of humor. I laughed at least once before Jams fell asleep and I stopped it.

But, unlike GORP, which we will never finish or revisit, we'll definitely get back to Waitress! (the exclamation point is the mark of all great titles.) How much better would Star Wars have been, if it was Star Wars! War and Peace! The Old Testament!

Full Moon High (1981)

I thought this one was going to outright suck like a lot of the other movies we watch, and really like.

And then as I was watching it I was like, this is almost too good to be bad (and great). When Ed McMahon, who plays a Mcarthy-ite CIA agent, says, "I've heard of being long in the tooth, but thats... too long." I realized this is actually too good to be bad-good.

Although we didn't finish this one either, this is a movie that I'd actually take another look at.

Reflecting dollar store versions of the humor of Woody Allen, Leslie Nielsen, and Mel Brooks, it's legitimately off the wall, in a good way. Loads of stinky one liners, but enough of them are actually... amusing?

If you too are a fan of really bad movies, consider this top shelf. Maybe one day I'll finish it.

*I finished it. It sucks, in a bad way. I recant every compliment I paid it. Still, it's better than anything in the theaters today.